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Why can’t I just be happy? And not want to sleep all the time and not have trouble breathing at night. Don’t be a bother don’t be a bother don’t be a bother. That’s what my mind tells me. Don’t be a bother. You’re fine. You’re overreacting. Meanwhile I feel like I’m self destructing. Don’t be a bother. They’ll just leave again. You are annoying and cynical. Nobody wants you. Nobody stays. Don’t be a bother. An inconvenience. A stress induced whirlwind. Control. Don’t cry. Put up the mask. Don’t be a bother. And lie to them that you’re feeling better. It’s my fault. If I had been a better child maybe my father wouldn’t have abused me. Maybe if id been stronger id have more friends and do better in school and be able to work more. Maybe if id been better I wouldn’t have just given sex away so that I felt like someone loved me. My clock is counting down. I’m self destructing. And the part of me that cares is dying fast. Don’t you dare be a bother. Help me. Everything hurts.

Holy shit I can’t do this. Fuck. I just can’t and I’ll never be able to be better. Oh my god. I even tried to fix something where I didn’t even do anything wrong. Dammit.

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